Thursday, February 09, 2006

Mixed Marriages

Adi Kalavu wrote on a Fiji forum her opinions on Mixed marriages.

Some people in the Fijian community in Australia raised some concerns about when a Fijian woman is married to a European or a Fijian man is married to a European are there problems? Some of the issues raised were:

1. The marriage may be one of convenience, an opportunity to go to overseas, a passport to stay on for an illegal person, a visa to work. This is hardly a good basis for a stable relationship.

2. People have different expectations about a woman's place in the home, or the workplace, who is the boss of the house, who controls the money, what time to eat meals etc. From small details such as the number of visitors into the house, smoking in the lounge-room, kava parties, there can develop friction and arguments.

3. Going to church
If the Fijian partner puts a priority upon their church the other person feels abandoned and says, 'Why do you value your ethnic group more than me and the kids? You want to spend ten hours with them on a Sunday, the only day we have for family outings? 'A Fijian church service might be for two hours. Partners may go to be sociable and to enjoy the singing and dinner but often there is little in the way of English explanation on what is preached about and this is boring for the non-Fijian speaker.

4. . If the Fijian partner puts a priority upon their church the other person feels abandoned and says, 'Why do you value your ethnic group more than me and the kids? You want to spend ten hours with them on a Sunday, the only day we have for family outings? 'A Fijian church service might be for two hours. Partners may go to be sociable and to enjoy the singing and dinner but often there is little in the way of English explanation on what is preached about and this is boring for the non-Fijian speaker. Language

5. can be a barrier to understanding. If an Islander has a limited vocab in English he or she might misunderstand what is being said. Also the non-Fijian speaker might get annoyed that they don't understand the stories, the jokes and they feel excluded because no one bothers to translate. They can go for hours on the edge of a kava circle and not know what is being said. Kava.

6. Some women reckon it is a waste of time, it is costly, it makes the men lazy and tired and even gives them a dry skin. It is a bother to drive 20 k to a shop just to buy kava. Another thing is the continual rearrangement of the furniture to accommodate a kava party, chairs stacked up on the verandah or in bedrooms and everyone has to sit on the floor. A ban on smoking in your house might cause an argument because the Fijian partner wants to be seen as hospitable to guests. Alcohol and violence

7. Alcohol and violence
May cause the breakdown of a marriage. The use of money

8.Who controls the purse if only one person is working? It is difficult if one partner is a big spender, wants a lavish car, or plays the pokies. The demands of the vanua/culture

9. The demands of the vanua/culture
When there is a call for assistance for a particular need such as a bereavement, marriage, or choir tour, this can be a financial burden. The non-Fijian partner resents the fact that the income has already been allocated to pay the mortgage etc.

Okay, where there is love in the full sense of the word, many of the problems can be solved by a give and take, a talking over the situation, airing grievances and coming to some sort of compromise, and respect for each person's difference at times.

37 Comments:

Anonymous Alohakava said...

Following is a response from Alohakava

For what it is worth and from what I observed during my time in Fiji this is what I think from a western/Hawaiian outlook. I would imagine that the vavalagi female to a Kaiviti male would be very difficult. I would base it primarily on the value system. Western women do not want to be constricted to the role of kitchen servant with little to no say about what occurs in her household. Western women have been become more accustomed to a close relationship with their mates, with a healthy display of affection, time spent together, making decisions jointly, building a life together with occasional social outings or gatherings at the house. It would be difficult for a western woman to be able to endure the constant Kava sessions that occur on a nightly basis and the resulting consequences. I say this even though I am a Kava farmer. There has to be a balance and I don't think the western women would prefer the balance that the Fijian men have decided is the balance. Maybe the Fijian men do, but I don't see them on the surface value their women to the degree that meets the western woman's expectations.

You also had some good points about the lack of translations during the Kava and church and other social settings. It is hard during the time the European mate is trying to learn the language to feel included or secure. It is often human nature for them to wonder what everyone is talking about and whether they are laughing over something they just did and didn't know they did or just feeling bored and excluded and feeling quite stupid. I don't mean this as any offence, but to the ear not accustomed to the Fijian language it sounds a little rough and like the person speaking it is angry.

From the Western men to the Fijian women I think it's a bit easier. Of course, the Fijian woman has to do a lot of the work towards learning his culture as it is imperative to many western men for their women to be able to function in their social settings for business purposes. I noticed that some Fijian women like to engage in harmless flirtations as a way to get their men to pay attention to them. That doesn't work for the Western male who is goal orientated and does not want his mate to be embarrassing or hindering him, when her purpose is to be helping him in anyway that she can and visa-versa, since they are jointly involved in building their lives. Which might be a reason that he plays down to her as a way of excusing various cultural behaviours that she is still learning and sharpening. However, Fijian women are smart and it doesn't take them long to assimilate. In the meantime some bad habits can set in.

The one thing you didn't mention was food/diet. It seems minor but it isn't. One gets used to eating the food of their culture and they may enjoy a few dishes from the other culture, but will still crave their own. Eating together is a form of being together and even showing love. To have a meal, no matter how well cooked, that is something you don't enjoy can cause friction and hurt feelings.

The other thing is different cultures share a different sense of humor, something one does, may seem hysterically funny to the other and the other is completely insulted as they didn't see the humor in it at all and didn't mean to be funny.

I'm not saying that different cultures can't get along and enjoy each other, it just takes on a whole other dimension when you are married and requires a little more work than usually isn't present in same culture marriage. I do believe that Indian to Fijian marriages would be easier than European to Fijian, because they have grown up in Fiji and have assimilated on certain levels they may not even be aware of.

8:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi George. I am firstly concerned for myself with regards to point 1 of the issues you raised with mixed marriages. Is there any way I as a sincere and honest Austalian female can ensure that I am not being used to gain citizenship. I have been in a long distance relationship with a Fijian male for just under 1 year. We met in Australia & I am genuinely in love with him but have been warned that Fijian men will marry you to get Australian citizenship and then leave you 2-3 years down the track once this is achieved. While I am sure there are many men & women of many cultures out there who will do such a hurtful thing I also believe there are many genuine people out there too. Any advice on how I can be sure he is as genuine about me as I am about him or if am I just a gullible & honest girl in love being taken for a ride? Nobody ever deserves a broken heart. I sincerely appreciate your time on this.

9:42 PM  
Blogger Peceli and Wendy's Blog said...

To the anonymous person out there - There are others like you who still have their doubts about the continuing relationship. There are examples where people have been hurt when the partner leaves.

If you met in Australia, do you know much about the Fijian culture? How much time have you spent together? A few weeks or months might not be enough to know if the person is trustworthy.

Some guys or girls for that matter do use a relationship to get their permanent residence, though these days, even that is hard to get.

In my story, we have been together for nearly forty years and so it is an optimistic story, but I know others where it has only lasted months or just a year or two.

My advice is to really get to know the person well and also meet his family and spend some time in Fiji.

Best of luck.
Wendy

11:35 PM  
Blogger danno said...

Hi i stumbled across this site searching for hours some info on fijian men and western women.
6 weeks ago i met a man in fiji, samoan.
we fell for one another i didnt realise until i left the island, then as i left on the boat he waved and gave me the 'call me ' signal....
i did! we missed each other, days of travelling away from him i went back to his island. i told myself it was a holiday romance but we grew stronger as the days went on, he saw me off the island a day in nadi and the to the airport where we both held each other in tears and expressing our sudden love. I got pregnant...well i found out when i got home, after 3 weeks of deliberating what to do i told him i decided to terminate.
2 days later he broke up with me no explanation but to call him the next day and he will tell me why.
i am not money hungry but i had spent 300 aus dollars on calls and a further amount similar on the termination. so i kinda got annoyed he asked me to call again tommorrow to tell me why he wanted it over....something about not being able to talk on the office phone.
Missing him terribly i call a week later of which the receptionist tells me he finally buys a phone card and has been trying to call me all that day! calls are expensive in fiji or am i just making excuses. for someone who only earns $150 p.w
i had heard from a friend here in AUS that they prey on us for money etc. some time ago i asked him if it were true? did he have a series of women he got gifts and cash from...i mean sure will he lie or tell the truth? i asked anyway.

2 days ago...well a month after this hot topic of money he informs me his watch is stolen and can i help him with the balance for a new one? i was furious..
i called back 10 min later an explained in aus we would never ask a friend for money let alone a man i have only know 6 weeks who i just got back with 2 days prior.

should i be wary or is this just a part of fijian extended family life helping each other? he was ok when i said no....i just didnt have the cash and 2. i was annoyed.

he lives on an island, his 3 teenage kids live with "his mum"
the mum of the kids left to go back to her home country 5 years ago.

the answer he tells me why he broke up with me was due to his kids, his last partner was from canada and was disinterested in the kids.
im just also wondering if anyone can assit me on this one pose some thoughts or ideas about fijian men, well a samoan raised in fiji...

3:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

5 years ago I married a fijian "indian" man. I knew him years before when he was living here in US and was deported for overstay of his student visa. We were very good friends and he would go to church with me and attend bible studies. I knew I was falling for him when I got the call one evening he got arrested and was deported. About 3 years later I got a call from a friend from Canada who recieves Fiji news and informed me of a CU going on Indians against the Fijians. SO I called him to see if he was ok,and we started a long distance romance. We decided to get married and go through immigration to bring him back here. Even though it looked impossible because of his deportation. Well in 2000 I went to Fiji for my first time and we had a beautiful, Christian Indian wedding. It really was a dream. I felt like a princess in my American wedding gown and the guest women all in Saris. I thought my dream came true. Well after many many trips back to Fiji to the consilate I finally was able to bring him home here to the US. Things started off bad, right away I knew I made a huge mistake. All the things he promised were lies. Money was a huge problem. 7 years later we have been divorced and remaried. He and I only lived together apx 2 years total of that 7 years. Almost every thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie. He is now bringing his family over. He has takin my heart and destoyed it. We barely speak. He still thinks I will take him back, which will never ever happen. We haven't lived in the same town in over 2 years. He only calls me to put me down, and then beg me back. While he was living in Fiji after his deportation, he lived off his sisters. DIdn't work the entire time he was there which was almost 4 years. I am only posting this to warn american women about Fijian Indian men. I really do not believe that can be honest, or truly love another. Now I see he only married me to get his brother and his family over. He got a huge homeowner loan, and bought 2 new cars and is planning to move out of state. For him to give me just a few dollars for food never happens. And if he does the harrasment that I escaped from starts up all over again. They are lazy, mentally abusive men. No matter what they tell you, 90% of the time it is a lie. SO BEWARE! If you are a american woman concidering to marry a man from Fiji, you will be putting yourself in harms way. He will do and say anything you want to get what he wants.

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mmmm this is all very interesting...i really fell for a native fijaian while on holiday in Fiji, and there was lots of talk that guys only get with aussie girls to leave and get citizenship. If he had asked me right then and there to marry him (in fiji) I probably would have. I asked him to email me with his phone number, but he never did, i'm actually really glad, because i realised i was punch drunk in love..it wasn't real, it was the gorgeous smells, the bulging muscles, the cocktails and beautiful sunsets I was inlove with. I realise now that it was a big mistake to get so taken in, but i do understand how it happens. I'd advise against it, unless you are really sure and u have been together for a couple of years

5:19 AM  
Blogger Camie said...

I'm an Australian girl in a new relationship with a Fijian man. I leave for Fiji in a few days so I can see my man again. This trip I am hiring a car and we are going to travel to his parents house so I can met them. I have been to his home village but not stayed there, I stay in a resort next door. I have appreciated reading what others have posted about these mixed relationships. I would love to think that my man loves me for me and not for my nationality but the sensible side of me has some doubt. I have very mixed emotions at the moment he seems to be so real I just hope that he is the wonderful man he appears to be. I will learn more about him while I'm there next week and will be looking out for the warning signs. Wish me luck!

4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its quite a difficult thing to embark on. I have many Fijian friends who live in Fiji. I have western friends who are married to Fijian men, some live in Australia, two live there with them and live the way the locals do.

I myself am in a relationship with a Fijian and it wasnt something I went into lightly however I am glad now I did.

As I have Fijian friends I stay in the villages and do as the locals do, I get to see things that many western women dont. I am learning the language (its not as easy as one would think) and I see things that I dont like as a western woman.

The answer is alot more simple than us women want it to be.

Yes the Fijian male is more than capable of using western women to get out of Fiji. Where they go they dont care, as long as they get out and have the opportunity to live a western life with generous incomes (any western income is generous compared to theirs) and have all the mod cons that western living brings.

There seems to be a trend of young men who are employed from the resorts, latching onto the older woman and marrying them. In the last month I witnessed 2 western women marrying local village boys. Both women were around 10 years older. One lady was in her early thirties (however looked late twenties) and married a guy in his late teens. Both boys didnt seem too in love to me. One of them has his Australian wife still in the area and he is seen nightly with local girls in cars driving around. Put 2 and 2 together and you are not wrong in your assumption as to what he is up too. Neither of these women would be classified as your true beauty. They are over weight and are the sweetest ladies you will meet but both clearly wear the pants in the relationship. What I mean by that is they call the shots and the boys follow, and will continue to do so for now. Both are obviously not staying in Fiji and have applied for marriage visas, they now sit and wait till they have their ticket out of there.

I may seem harsh in my wording but I read lots of stuff on the internet about mixed relationships between western girls and fijian boys, and alot of it is airy fairy. If you are going to indulge, go in with your eyes open and your heart protected.

If you meet this guy and he is a resort worker, walk away. Trust me when I say "Walk away". I know many resort workers and most are already married but dont admit it and others have several girls on the go sending money and gifts etc. If you use your head you will realise that they are in contact with women everyday. Some are keen for a fling, others are desperate for love. Dont think you are the only one they have their eye on.

If you meet this man through friends who can vouch for his integrity and character, then you have a better chance than many others. If he is younger than you then think twice. I notice that the young guys seems to go for the older over weight lady. Why,, because as they say... They are easier to win over. They want money and status and the younger guys think white girls bring it to them.

Find out quickly if he wants move to your country or if he is happy to stay where he is.
Meet his family however if you spend any amount of time with Fijians you will realise that they wont say anything to you if they are concerned, because to speak out is rude and they would never ever want to offend you.
I sat and had tea recently with one village woman who is my friend. She said to me that if she had of had time to befriend these western girls she would have tried to warn them that they are marrying men who are using them. A local wont warn you if the consequences are that they suffer for doing so. They have to live there, you get to go home.

All you can do is use your head. If he is younger than you, is not going out of his way to do all he can to make the relationship work, is keen to get married and asks for money, gifts, or expects you to pay for everything, then you have your answer. But to sit and be honest with one self in regards to love and the possibilty of cutting off your love supply because you "think' its not right, is one of the hardest things you will ever do but it will not be as hard as bringing him home, and finding out after 2 -3 years that he used you.

It doesnt sound like I am a western women who is madly in love with a Fijian male. I am, however, I learnt alot before I allowed one to come into my world.
Mine man is not younger than me and is infact a lot older. I dont give money and have never done so... (dont start something that you dont want continued). He works and has little money but calls me as much as I call him and for a Fijian, thats a costly thing. He made it clear to me that he wont ever move overseas and if this relationship was to go anywhere then I would have to move there. He constantly considers me in his long term decisions. He may not ask for my opinion but he does put me first and always makes sure that I am always better off in the long run. ITs not been easy as I am a independant woman who has her own life and money and ideas etc. He is a typical Fijian male and naturally wants to dominate and take the lead. Its not a abusive thing but rather the way its always been for him in Fiji so its something he naturally does, or did until he met me. I have learnt to not put my foot down until its necessary, to always talk through things so he understands where I am coming from in my opinions and why he needs to think of things from my point of view. There are times where I dont like the outcome.. Kava nights and village obligations I struggle with but need to respect. He has learnt to balance things now and comes home earlier and keeps the obligations under control. We have learnt that money is my strength and his weakness so I control the purse strings and it works for us BUT and I say a big BUT, I never embarrasse him about this and allow it to look like he is in control around family and friends. I spend alot of time in Fiji and a few months at home each year to earn money to support us better. Life is not easy there as the standard of living is alot lower. Wages are low and cost of living high, but its paradise and you can live there for just $5000 per year if you learn to grow food and manage as they do. I am glad now that I allowed this wonderful man into my heart, but the road has not been easy and the risks at times were high.

Dont kid yourself if its too good to be true... you will only get your heart broken. Be true to yourself when asking yourself those critical questions about him, go with the flow but be wise and assertive.

Good luck x

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am quite amazed and excited that I found this page. I had the fabulous experience of being in Fiji last year. The Fijian men aren't the best lookers and definitely not the most hygienic but a few notably the ROTUMANS are the better catch. They smoke, drink and get uncontrollably drunk which I suppose is a part of their culture and gosh these Kava sessions. I too met one of the Diveboys working on South Sea Island. Mark you I am a black girl living in a western country so maybe that was the attraction. I was really attracted to the guy but being streetwise myself and not knowing much about the culture I tried to play it safe. For the time I was there many a nights he slept in my apartment, he was treated well and I regularly use to drive him to the Port so he could catch the boat to work. I went away to OZ for the weekend and brought him back a gift, he was overly pleased and more than keen to show me his appreciation that night( if you know what I mean). These guys think us westerners are silly, and I can't blame them because the way these white girls make themselves readily available. I agree a few are really genuine and will make the extra effort to buy a Vodafone or Digicel credit and make a short call or send texts but like someone said, if he works in the resorts or is a diveboy DO NOT GET INVOLVED. Stay as far away as possible, the same thing they tell you is the same they say to all the other thousands of girls who visit the resort. Luckily all he got from me was some phone credit (which he used to call me anyway), some cigarettes and half of pizza. I think he thought that his ''beautiful toned body'' would afford him more but no way us black girls are far more clever. Facebook is also a good tool to find out about these guys. I wasn't surprised when he added me on his facebook, because that was done in front of me in my apartment on my computer. What surprised me was the way how he says ''I love you'' so quickly. Met him daytime, same night he said the words. I think the Fijian people are a very warm, friendly and welcoming nation but quite a lot of them make use of the tourism industry as a means of getting out of Fiji. They have total disregard for women's rights, not as bad as Papua New Guinea, but the younger ones in the resort areas who have been exposed to western women, seem to be more than willing to conform as long as they get the assurance that they are going to get a Visa. In your case Robin, that's just tough. Hope you finally find one fool who's more than willing to believe your lies and take you to Australia or Europe. Also a tip for ladies visiting, make sure you bring condoms, I think they have a problem either affordability or using them. I'm smart, always have them in my luggage. Kids are nice and precious, but more precious if you can look after them well and don't think that by sending them to Rotuma or MAINLAND fiji to live with an over populated household is the answer.

6:05 AM  
Blogger Push said...

Okay,

I have spend some good time reading some of this post. I agree with your experience and obsevations of Fijian man. I am Fiji Indian myself. Educated with a Computer Sc. Degree from Australia. I am married to a Caucasian American for last 17 years. Have two school age kids. I know what Fiji men [natives or the Indian] are like. They are ALL full of lies, let me repeat, they open their mouth and they lie. They all a hypocrates and want the woman to be sub-servient to them. Well, as you see that is the most important reason,I am NOT married to Fijian or Indian. They are emotionally abusive, physically abusive, my sisters go through this all the time, yet they have no choices as you may know, esp. the ones who have been to Fiji and seen the culture and tradition they follow. So, I warn each one of you smart woman there, think twice as things do not smell so good as they appear. in other words everything glittering is NOT gold. You will be better off being single then married to these pigs who don't know shit...now I am really getting mad and I have to stop. If anyone wants to chat more to me...email me at PushUSA@Gmail.com.

8:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I am fijian indian myself this in regards to the woman married to an american. Not all Fijian (Native and indians) are liars, cheats and whatever crap people have posted here there is good and bad everywhere. There are a lot of honest hardworking fijian (native and indians) who are very faithful to their women. I know a fijian indian woman happily married to a native fijian and has one son. I have encountered alot of caucasian liars as well who will sweet talk with you in order to get into your pants and alot of goods ones as well

4:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In regards to Push the pnly pig I see is you for categorising all of them and your sisters for marrying those type of men in the first place and still staying in that relationshiop

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So I want each of you smart educated women to know one thing its not race but the indivual that matter and there are liars, cheats and abusive men everywhere. If a man treats you bad get out of that relationship do not stay there

4:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 22-yr-old Australian university graduate (now an English teacher) who recently travelled to Fiji with a male friend. He took me to a village he has been visiting for 12 years now, a place where he has become quite friendly with the locals and their families. I spent some time in the local school teaching lessons as well as living the traditional Fijian lifestyle. I LOVED it! I had so much fun and found the people to be so friendly and welcoming. In the village I had 3 different guys confess feelings for me. I told each of them that I only wanted their friendship. Since my return home I have been in contact with each of them. I have no idea if their feelings are real, because they are so persistent even though I have no encouraged their romantic advances
Fiji man 1: is a year younger than me and is not usually in the village. He spends school terms in Suva studying at uni to become a doctor. He is polite and respectful and always tells me how much respect he has for teachers, as he was raised by his grandfather who was a teacher. He has only revealed his apparent feeling for me since I have returned home... said he hopes I can return to Fiji so we can spend time getting to know each other.
Fiji man 2: just so happens to be number 1's younger brother. He too is from the village but lives in Nadi with his grandparents who moved there so he and his brothers could get a decent education. He is younger than me by 4 years! I adore him but in the sense of a little brother. he too has been texting me (nearly everyday!) and has recently declared his feelings for me stating that he "wishes to be my man." naturally I have told him that as sweet but he is too young for me and we live in different countries and I think of him as a brother...this has not deterred him.
Fiji man 3: is a local villager who took a shine to me. I had no idea he liked me. it was a distant female relative of his who told me over kava one night that this man had "fallen in love with me" this for starters made me suspect as we had only know each other a week. To this day I still know barely anything about him. He is extremely attractive and sweet and I am ashamed to admit I gave into my urges one night...as he told me how much he loved me...and let him kiss me. He said he wished to spend the nite with me but I firmly said no and would not let him into my bure and did not kiss him again. Since my return home he has sent me about 1 very intense love letter a month talking of how love sick and lonely he is and how he longs to see me again.

It is unknown to these 3 guys, but I am actually returning to the village in 2 months time, again with my male friend and his wife.
I adore the Fijian people and love the rich culture. Naturally I was flattered to have drawn so much attention but was wary and decided to look into other people’s stories. Now I’m not looking to marry this man I have feelings for...I’m just thinking about letting him know how I feel and possibly work abroad in Fiji for a while to pursue a relationship. Is this stupid??
Now I am by no means rich, I have major student but I’m sure to many of these Fijian guys I must have seemed very rich and privileged. I don't think I’m particularly attractive but some people say I am. I am quite tall 176cm) with very big blue eyes and long dark brown hair and olive skin. I’m not skinny but not grossly overweight...just a little cuddly! ;-)
I just want people’s opinions on what to do, what they think etc. I have never attracted so much male attention at home in Australia as I did in Fiji. The 3 men I have mentioned were just a few guys. Why did I attract so much attention?? What is the draw card? After reading peoples stories I am sadly beginning to think it is because I would be a good ticket to Australian citizenship and not because I’m a nice, fun person to be around!

4:09 AM  
Blogger chaztaz said...

I am so happy to have finally found people in the same position as myself. To contexualise my experience - I lived in Fiji for 4 months this year volunteering at a local school in Suva. During this time I not only fell in love with the country, and its culture, but also with a Fijian man. I am 21 and he is 23.

I feel that things are perhaps slightly easier for me because he does not live in a village, but in Fiji's main city, where he lives a life style which is not all that different from my own in the West. I live in the UK... he phones me daily from his mobile and we speak on skype almost every night. He also has a mobile phone which he texts me off.

I moved in with him and his family, in Suva, for about 2 months before I had to return home. Before I moved in with him I took things one day at a time, and kept my guard up whilst I tried to suss out whether he was using me or not. I didn't relax until I moved in with him, and saw that he didn't actually need to be using me for money because his family had enough of their own - and being a backpacker - i didnt actually have any anyway!! Despite the fact that to this day he has never asked me for any money, unless I'd moved in with him - seen his life and gotten to know him completly - I would have been worried. I urge all you ladies out there to try and do the same if you can - meet his family, friends - and see his life for yourself, and do not feel pressured to rush into marriage!! I know it;s crazy but I honestly believe I would have married him out there if he'd asked me, which is insane.

Although I trust 100% that our relationship is based on nothing but love, this is not to say that things have been easy. Within the first few weeks the thing that bothered me initially was the way in which he kept saying that he wanted to come and live with me in the UK in the future. As soon as he said this I tensed up and thought..'aghh here we go - this is what it's all about for me'. The fact that he also told me he loved me after 3weeks also freaked me. My western girlfriends who i was living with in Fiji were also sceptical. I told these worries to my Fijian Girlfriend who said 'with Fijian guys it's all or nothing, they either love you and want to marry you or they're not interested'. She said 'may be he just does really love you'. It would have been lovely if I could have just brushed my worries aside and given him the benefit of the doubt.. but I was so worried about being naieve that it took me along time to realise that the poor guy was actually had no ulterior motive.

I believe that if he wanted to use me for British citizenship he would not have made plans to study in Australia for 2 years - and he would have proposed before I left Fiji!

To test things I told him that I actually didn;t want to live in the UK but I wanted to live in Fiji. He replied 'I honestly don't care where we live as long as we're together'.

It's really difficult because it's so easy to be swept along with the romance of Fiji! However, i think that if you excersize basic common sense it's pretty easy to tell whether a guy is using you or not. My heart goes out to all Western woman who have been captivated by the lure of Fiji! Just stay sensible, trust your instincts and you'll be fine. If something is not adding up - a marriage proposal after a week, ASKING for money, and a significant age difference, then it's a good idea to step back and protect yourself.

If my Fijian man was asking for money, and in a rush to marry I would have freaked out and treated it as a holiday romance.

He recently booked a flight to the UK to come and see me in December and although he will be living with me during his 6 week stay, he paid for the flight himself. I am also going back to Fiji in 2 months time to see him. He has asked me to bring him some VANS trainers and a Superman T shirt but that is all!

Good luck to everyone xx

9:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is been there, done that, learnt the hard way. Met him at the rugby, turns out he worked at the resort I was staying at. And yes he was younger. Spent a fortune in phone calls. Made many trips to Fiji to see him. Went to visit his parents. Introduced as a friend - well okay I could handle that. Spent a fortune on clothes, taking him out etc etc. On my last trip to see him, got a call from his WIFE. That's why we never went to his place. And all his friends and brothers were in on it too. All he wanted was his ticket to Australia. Felt like a silly lovesick fool. My Fijian friends had tried to tell me not to get involved without actually telling me straight out. I can appreciate that they would have to deal with the consequences if it was to come out that they had spoken to me. I actually laugh now about all the cryptic Facebook postings I would see. They make a lot of sense now, I was just too blind before to realise they were meant for me.
Thankfully, I know that not all Fijian men are like this. One of my Fijian girlfriends has since introduced me to her nephew. He is my age, doesn't work in a resort, has his own house, doesn't take the kava and has no desire to leave Fiji. And I stay at his house when I visit.
I agree with Chaztaz, Fijian men say I Love You very quickly, but yes to them it's all or nothing - the problem is you have to find out if they are genuine or not.
I am still at the stage with my new Fijian man of no expectations, no disappointments. This time I'm taking it slowly with my eyes wide open. So far so good. My Facebook friends have also been silent so I can only take that as a good sign.

12:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I posted earlier about my worry of returning to the village where i met a boy i am quite fond of.
he met me at the airport upon my return. he didnt tell me he would be there. i lived in the village with his family for 2 months. he has saved & purchased his own ticket to australia to spend christmas with me and my family. he is in no rush to marry and wants nothing from me. he is a hard worker and a lovely person.

i think i've lucked out here and found an amazingly genuine man. we're still taking things slow, not making any major life plans as of yet. just flying back and forth every 2 months to see each other...plus its not me doing all the trvaelling, he is paying his way too!!

i was very cautious at the begining of our relationship, especially after reading what people had written here. i think if you're sensible and don;t get caught up in the idea of a fairytale ending then you will be fine. afterall - your parents didnt raise you to be a fool.

3:44 AM  
Anonymous I left my heart in fiji... said...

I have a Fijian boyfriend. Admittedly I was very nervous at first and had many concerns about why he wanted to pursue a relationship with me.

It was only after my 3rd trip to Fiji that I really started to like him back. Now I am head over heels in love with him.

However in saying that I haven't let this relationship be the main priority in my life...not yet. I am still in Australia working and saving and he is in Fiji. Every 2 months we take turns to travel to each others countries and spend a few weeks together. I have lived in his village with his family and he has lived in Australia with me.

I still have other travel I want to do and other life goals to fulfill and I have been very clear with him from the start. We are very much in love and willing to wait for each other.

In my personal experience it has helped that we are both so honest and open with each other. I adore his family and feel I can trust him while we're apart. His village supports pur relationship and my my family supports it as well. It is still difficult at times with certain cultural barriers but we do thje best we can and deal with any issues if and when they arise.

The main thing is to be open, honest, good communication and cultrually aware. I have made a huge effort to be involved in his way of life, much the same as he had made an effort to be involved in mine. I'm still learning his local dialect. I've been to the village so many times now that I'm considered by the locals to be an honorary "kaiviti girl"

If you feel the spark don't walk away and spend your life wondering what could have been, just try and make a go of it. If it doesn't work out, well then you will be strnger and wiser for the experience, and if it does then thats lovely.

Afterall, as one of the village elders said to me, it doesn't matter that we're from different worlds, different upbringings, or even differnt colours, on the inside we are all still human. We all love, we all cry and we all function in the same way.

Good luck to you all x

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah be careful is my advice. i have been married to a fijian man for the last 91/2 years. we live in australia and for the last 8 years it has been filled with disaster after disaster. the fijian community is more important to him than me or our son who is 8. he regularly goes out without telling me turns his phone off and it can be days before he returns. he seems oblivious to his actions. anything is ok if it meets his needs. he says i dont understand him but when i think back the warning signs were there i was just too in love or besotted to see them. he would always meet me at the airport but rushed me into a taxi and off to the hotel. i paid for absolutely everything and then some. i feel that his education has been a barrier and his lack of emotion has definitely made life hard for me. it is frustrating and i was warned all those years ago but was blinded. be very very careful

12:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont think that its anything to do with their education, Fiji Indian men seem to tell a lot of lies,and try to make themselves out to be bigger and better than what they really are.Ive met some here in employment situations and they seem to be very devious,they also seem to drink alot.One I know recently married here in NZ and got his PR and his wife just gave birth,he only got married to his indian bride and got married at the same time of putting in his application for residence to which the NZ govt stupidly gave him.Im sure his wife will be another benefit statistic in the near future.

10:00 PM  
Blogger Ola said...

Hi....Someone here talked about a Fiji Indian woman married to a native Fijian....Please could you send me an email as to where I could find this couple and any other couples that have intermarried in a similar fashion, i.e., Indo-Fijian to Fijian.....my email address is loritakumar@gmail.com.....it is for research purposes....thank you and sorry .....P.S. my advice to all those ladies worried out there about Fijian or Indo-Fijian males....DO NOT MARRY BENEATH YOURSELVES.........and that applies to all settings....Fijians or Americans or any other nationality....today women go out into the workforce and are attaining success and making money thus males may end up using them for their money....and yes for PR....at times only for sex.....All I can say is if the guy is younger, lacks the same amount of Qualification as you, lacks money .... please undersatnd that he is in a desperate position and may take advantage of you....there are some who are genuine....but are you willing to take a risk?....if your answer is yes please reconsider.....I know it sounds horrible but you would be better off going after someone who is not your equal or below you but someone who is above you......in this way you know that as he has enough money, has a Pr or citizenship in a country with a good standard of living and basically has everything of his own....he won't take advantage of you. Apply this rule to everyone, not just our Fijian boys here and you'll be happy. Sorry if I am stepping on some toes here but one has to protect oneself and in my experience this is the best way.

5:17 AM  
Blogger Ola said...

If anyone else here knows of intermarried couples, specifically Indo-Fijian and Fijian matrimonies, please do email me as to where I may locate the couples on loritakumar@gmail.com. Your help will be most appreciated. Sorry for the inconvenience. All the best to all out there who are keen on intermarriage. It is a wonderful experience which will change your worldviews completely. Just be careful.

Thanx for your help.

5:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Part 1...

Hi everyone,
Just wondering if any western ladies experienced a Fijian man talking about starting a family & working hard to build a life with you. Unfortunately I seem too often to be a little naive.

Me & my Fijian boyfriend are the same age (Mid 20's) & have been together 6 months so far. He has had the opportunity to come & study in Oz since we met in Fiji. I stayed there for 6months.

In Fiji he spent money to come & see me. doesn't seem lazy and had a job that paid minimal. He dsn't smoke, drink kava (he's into fitness & rugby). loves drinking alcohol with the boys but not often. one night he went out drinking & answered the phone when he was at a club then realised the next morning i was upset because he didn't call me back like he said he would (lost phone). He called at least 70 times from various numbers but I didn't answer for a long while.

I havn't made things easy for him emotionally when I was there but he still stuck around & we got through it. Now that he's in Oz (different state though) & we've been talking about him coming here for longer periods for us to get to know each other properly.

At first he talked about wanting to raise his family in Fiji. kids experiencing the simple things. I don't know if this is genuine. anyway, i've kept things quiet bout our relationship from family & only my nearest & dearest know about the relationship. I still can't fully express myself because of how they might think of him or their influence on my decisions. I want to be convinced of it first.

4:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Part 2...

I had my doubts but I let them slide & relied on God to make that decision for me on wether he was genuine. If he isn't then i hope God takes him away from me because I don't know how much strength I’d have when it comes to the crunch. I am an overweight girl & he's quite athletic. I've let him know that if he wants a rich girl then he's picked the wrong person. I live on my own & have debt which he now knows about in full. He offered to eventually find work & help me pay it off but i declined & said to save to pay for him coming over is better. his father is in the US but not a citizen yet. He sends him money too.

I stayed in Fiji for quite some time & know a lot about Fijian culture & gender roles, etc. I haven't spent much on him so he gets used to looking after himself. When he came to visit me in Fiji he would pay for transport to my place & I'd cover food & expenses for anything we did. I did most of the calling. In Oz, I did most of the calling too & paid for his flights to come see me. we had a little fight about that & he buys his own credit now. hopefully he will pay for his next flight.

We were talking about him coming on a holiday visa to the same city as me. talk extended to fiance visa. i was sort of angry when he mentioned this. we spoke about being together for the long term before & i let him know that we'd have to be together at least 2 years before getting engaged. then a year later marriage if things are working out. i think that amount of time is good to really get to know someone. but in the same city at least.

We were just friends at the beginning & spoke over the phone for about 6 weeks before he expressed how he felt for me. he came at a time when i needed a friend & i was a little vulnerable. i had to push him to express how he felt though.

i don't know what to think & feel about him anymore. we talk at least 5 times a day so im hoping that means that there's no one else. We haven't had sex as I'm saving it for marriage & he know's this & is ok with it. he's still stuck around. We talk first thing in the morning, a few times throughout our day & for a long while before sleeping. Sometimes we'll sleep on the phone together.

Does this seem like one of the relationships where he only wants to come to australia?? He also has the opportunity for a potential rugby sponsorship.

Am I being blinded that i can't see reality??

Your oppinions would be much appreciated.

Vinaka Vakalevu!

4:12 AM  
Blogger ivegotthetravelbug2011 said...

Still waiting for a reply to the last post. Much appreciated. Thanks :)

9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Australia is currently the best country in the world and Fiji has digressed.

I have seen many relationships that start of like yours and end up a long term relationship. Whatever happens you will have a significantly different experience compared to whats happening now.

You don't seem blinded so you should be able to handle consequences as the relationship changes over times as all relationships do.

1:20 PM  
Blogger ivegotthetravelbug2011 said...

Thanks for your reply. So do you think it'll turn out for the negative if it does progress??

If you've seen or heard about anything like this in your presonal experience can you please shar with me? You would be so helpful. Every one has oppinions on this matter but no one has spoken about personal experiences from the Fijian side or friends that have been in this situation, etc...

A friend I made at the resort I was staying at (didn't know him before I introduced them) Said that if he is just in it for the visa, he will still love you for it, for giving him a better life. That's about all I've gotten from the Fijian end...

Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

Vinaka Vakalevu

12:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If a non Fijian women wants a successful marriage with a native Fijian man from Fiji she would have no other choice then to assimilate into our culture.
If that includes church on Sundays, cooking curry for him and his kava buddies, accommodating extended family who are in town then so be it. In the end he will love you more for your understanding nature then the amount of money you have in the bank or the fact that you can get him a visa.

And yes majority of these men do seek relationships with non Fijian women in order to come overseas.
I know a few of them who took this route, they now complain about being unhappy, the kaivalagi lifestyle they are living and some even wish that they had married a Fijian girl because it would have made things easier.

The success of the relationship fully depends on wether the non Fijian woman is willing to accept the Fijian culture and lifestyle.
You can argue that since we live overseas why hold onto the Fijian way of life? Well thats just the way we Fijians are..we are proud of our identity and our roots. We value God,our vanua,history, culture, strong family bonds and we pass these values onto our children. The reason why a lot of these mixed marriages fail in the first place is because the woman refuses to accept the Fijian way of life, they start by complaining about the amount of time spent with the Fijian community,church on sundays, the fact that the Fijian language is being spoken when they are around, the fact that the man has an obligation and duty to his family back home and the Vanua, freshly cooked food(and Im not talking about 3 meat and Veg), the fact that he expects you to cook, how to raise their kids, keeping a clean house etc. Fijian men really expect you to.. not only know your place in the house but to also run it proper. That is what they have seen in their mothers and that is what the expect from their wives.
I know of some non Fijian women married to Fijian men who have assimilated into our culture and their role in the house hold and have a lasting happy marriage.

Assimilation into our culture is the key to a successful marriage with a Fijian man. This will save you tears, divorce court and seeing your Fijian husband run off and run back to a Fijian woman who has no trouble understanding the Fijian way of life and value system because it it also her own.

5:23 AM  
Anonymous local said...

Be very very careful , try to know the guy first for a few months, A fijian guy who professes his love for you in a few days or weeks is suspect, if the guy is from a village i know im stereotyping here but generally speaking, a guys life is revolved around the vanua- traditions extended family, church, female is generally subserviate in the family context ,try to get to know the guy deeper what are his life plans and view on family, talking to friends who who work in the service industry they boast about easily getting tourists to sleep with, but there are some nice fijian guys out there, try to get to know the ones that are on a break in the resorts ,hotels,etc my understanding is fijians are generally friendly and nice those that go overboard in trying to impress you are suspect cheers on that note i have fijian friends who are balanced and open minded. its just a case of delving deeper

3:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, JD here. Wow I'm so happy I found this site. I just came back from Fiji not long ago. While I was there I met a Fijian guy at the Resort I was staying at. I’m completely torn with this one. I would just love to get into his brain to find out if he’s being entirely genuine with me. I have some good feelings about certain things, but some other things I’m just not entirely sure yet.

Before we hooked up, we were hanging out having a chat and he mentioned to me his pick up style. Soooo smash and dash, hit and quit was what he told me. For those who are not familiar with those terms – basically it means he bails as soon as he gets lucky in the sack. So it was my last night on the island and yep he got lucky. We had a great time together and the next day I left for home. I wasn’t expecting much as obviously we live in different countries and given his ‘hit n quit’ style and all. But when I got home I had the most heartfelt message from him via Facebook. Saying things like, how taken away he was with me. How he has never felt like this before. I noticed he backed up his claims with evidence and even went into detail. I thought to myself, you didn’t need to write all this stuff Mr hit n quit. We lovingly messaged each other for a week or so and then started Skyping. I guess you’re thinking now well he must want to leave Fiji then. He’s picked her as someone he can actually stand in order to get what he needs. No.. he never wants to leave Fiji, he doesn’t care about money. He works in IT and I told him if he was to work in Australia for a couple of years in our IT industry he would be set for life. He told me ‘that’s just money, not happiness’. He’s proud of his culture; he lives and breathes his Rugby, hits up the Kava but by no means every day, enjoys liquor but only once in a while and doesn’t smoke. He’s warm, gentle, strong and fun. He’s told me how much it blows his mind how similar I am to the Fijians – warm, friendly, easy going, happy, spiritual plus some western extras. Howeverrrrrrr, all that said..... I think I’ve sexually dazed him, stunned him. I have a very high libido and an adventurous sexual nature. I think there’s a good chance a lot of it’s to do with this. I’ve also been told and I hate saying this argghhh.... that I’m every guys dream girlfriend. You know that annoying girl in high school that’s good at everything, nice to everyone whatever whatever. So what I think is I’ve hooked this ‘hit n quit’ fella and he just loves the idea of loving me. Or so I think hey. Only time will tell.

Until then, I’ll keep my eyes out for red flags. Pfffttt even though the hit n quit stuff is pretty much a given deal breaker. I have myself a player – I’m doomed. Haha. Any comments appreciated.

4:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://aussiewomanfijianman.blogspot.com/

Been with my Fijian man just over a year! Enjoy the read and if there any question I might be able to help answer just let me know. Best of luck on your journeys :)

6:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay girls. Seriously. I am in the same boat as some of you but mine involves Fijian kids. I was dating a man in Fiji and I found out while on our second or third date that he had a number of kids with other women. I love kids and I loved him and by the time I found out I had already fallen for him so it didn't even shocked me. The problem is that by our third date the two of us had already fallen in love with each other. on the last day I was there the maids asked my best friend (whose Fijian) if he (my current at time relation) and I were getting married because we they could tell we were head over heals in love. She responded... they'd probably like too maybe someday!

We dated long-distance for 4 months. I was supposed to re-visit Fiji but was talked out of it by my friends. My Fijian bf was furious at me for cancelling. We didn't speak for 6 months. I was in heart-broken pain for 6 months and it was the longest 5 or 6 months of my life. My heart was shattered. I loved him. I didn't care that he had kids and wasn't married. It was how he treated me. He always paid for everything even though he had no money. He refuses to let me send him money and even during the flood when he had no food or water he refused me sending him money I was worried sick about him for days. While I was in Fiji he treated me ilk e a princess, Introduced me to his family and friends and his niece and I talk on the phone, she is 5.

I am western and the ongoing debate has been does he want me for my riches. However, he knowing I am poor and flat broke does not matter to him what matters to him is to see me happy and healthy. I have some health problems right now. He is 8 years my elder but I have never been treated more like a princess then from him. He has told me flat out that he doesn't want to come to North America, only to see me and to get me. I told him if you want me, you have to come get me. It's been a year since I met him and he is still in love with me since the first time we met.

We are currently working on visitor visas. If it is God's will then he will get it to come visit then go back to Fiji. We have firmly discussed this to happen.

Ladies, not all Fijian men are bad. I found a keeper. My heart has been broken for 300 days without him and yet he still calls me and I still tells me that he loves me. When you love each other for who each other are it is amazing what can happen. He told me he loved me after knowing me for 3 months. He told me he loves my heart.

No one knows what the future holds but when you find a keeper you will know. You do have to be wary at times with foreign men, but when you know, you know.

Wonderful fijian men are out there.

6:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am british and have been with fijian man for 8 years we have two sons..
It has not always been easy because of the cultural diferencës..but when you truely love someone you accept their ways
Mixed marriages can last but like any relationship they have to be worked at.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi JD here again. I’ve already posted a comment . If you would like some background on this post read my 1st post .. posts back.

So my Fijian boi and I have been seeing each other since October 2012. We met each other for 2 days when I was in Fiji and have been Skyping ever since. Yep that’s how much we like each other. The best advice I can give you ladies is to be as educated as you can about the Fijian culture. As it’s certain there will be a culture clash. We definitely had one. A big one to be aware of is the male dominance thing. While modern Fiji certainly respects their women, there are still old traditions that dribble through. I’m a very analytical person. Occasionally this may be mistaken as opinionated. He really doesn’t like this trait of mine. He interprets it as me thinking I know everything.. and that I know more than him. This does not sit well with a Fijian man. It doesn’t help that I’m 6 years older than him too. I’m conscious of this and make efforts to ask his advice about things, build him up so to speak. I’m not being ungenuine, I most certainly value his opinion as he’s an old sole – a wise person. I just have to respect the difference and make the effort to meet in the middle. Open your mind to this kind of stuff as cultural mis-interpretations/differences will most certainly occur. Be aware of what’s actually going on! Communication is the key - naturally in any relationship it’s the wheels that drive the car. Without communication your relationship will meander down a windy stormy road to a mangy dead end. Because there will most certainly be culture clashes – communication is even more crucial here. You need to not only understand what’s going on with the other person, but what’s going on with the other person from a cultural point of view. If you both of you can drop your pride and gracefully approach the truth together – you will be an awesome team!

While there are certainly some culture clashes there are definitely some amazing things about the Fijian culture. They are strong - they handle the big stuff and all the little things in-between ever so beautifully. I guess you could say the absolute opposite to a neurotic. They are easy going/laid back – very little phases them. Life is just too short to sweat. Wise - they are very switched on about the world and know what’s important in life (family, loved ones, morals etc). Spiritual – they are natural, love thy neighbour type stuff. Fun – always having a joke, a laugh. They’ll take it where ever they can.

What I love about my Fjiain boi is he’s a big kid. I am too. He brings this side out in me and it’s my favourite part of my personality. So I guess you could say he brings out the best in me. Forces my sole to grow. Makes me be the best me I can be. Which is what’s it’s all about isn’t it?! What could be better than not taking life seriously? Being child like, such a natural way to live a life.

Wish me luck with my Fijian prince.

Stay cool Mr Stone. JD loves you and always will.

5:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. There's such truth spoken in the comment about fijian guys not sweating the small stuff - that's what I love about my husband, too. I have a tendency to stress, and he's always so good putting it into perspective.

I can't really empathise with the cultural classes at all, as to date, we've had none. He's a modern fijian, lived in the city and has a mum who has always worked as very busy professional. The biggest issue for us has been the fact that he struggles to relax fully on front of my parents - which I guess it partly because he's shy, but perhaps partly cultural. He thought he had to address my dad as Sir when he first met him, and is still very formal around them.

I posted a year or so ago and kind of cringe about how naive I sound. i definitely underestimated how hard it would be working out how we could make a life together, and handle the distance in the meantime...

We went through some real challenges during our time apart but are now happily married. And have been for A year and a bit. He may not be the most sophisticated man, or earn the most money... But he's generous, loving and has the most gentle nature. I know he's got all the important qualities that money will never be able to buy.

So, good luck everyone. I guess the most important thing is to remain savvy and try not to get swept away with the romance! Although, that's way easier said than done. I'd be really interested in hearing updates from the other posters.... Xxx

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's a link to my blog touching on this subject too:

http://modernfijian.blogspot.co.uk/

4:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in a very similar situation as you. guarded but open. I am wondering how you manage to spend so much time in Fiji but then return to your home country to work. do you stay using a visitor visa?

7:26 PM  

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